Goals

I never want the smile to leave your face
Your smile makes even the darkest nights bright.
All i want in life is,to see you happy
You know my goals
I hope your okay with them
Just know that no matter how busy my life gets while trying to achive these goals i will always have endless amounts of time for you.
I hope it doesnt bother you that you are my life
Because you saved mine
I want to be around you 24/7
Its hard to explain
I mean your my best friend
I would travel to the ends of the earth just for your hugs and to kiss your forehead
We're bonnie and clyde
The scare pair
We were inseparable when we were teenagers and nothings changed about that
We were apart for a while...but i thought about you everyday
I cried often because i missed you
You held on to a piece of me and when i was broken we reunited and repaired me
If you look in the dictionary for the words best friend, partner in crime, lifesaver and soul mate you would notice they all have the same thing in common...you
Its crazy how one person can make someone want to live and do amazing things and that is what you do to me
You truly are the most amazing person in my life and i hope you will keep me forever
Im going to do everthing in my powers to make your life happy and the best it can possibly be.
Trust me you will be able to be gay every day soon hah
I love you to the moon and back

7.17.17

Its my birthday
Just another day in the week
But for some reason this one is special
Not for the reason that im another year older
But the fact that im with you
Most want to be in a disorderly drunken haze
Not me
A state of complete happiness is where i want to be
Sitting along side the pool, grilling food and watching mini do cannon balls until his heart is content is where i want to be.
The pure joy that you bring into my life has been the greatest i could have ever asked for.  I was stupid to wait so long to come back home but i that the distance apart made this all so much more magical. 
I could go on and on and on about how amazing you are and how you make me feel. But i got a beautiful evening to enjoy with two of the most beautiful people in the entire world...

Sadomasochistic Son of God

People pray to a god that does not answer
They betray their fellow man for that idol
Religion dismembers society just as much as racial prejudice
It strips those who have "faith" of what little bit of individuality that is left in their being
They follow
They turn ones beliefs into a way of life
Surrendering their own thoughts and self to a unknow entity
It gives some a glimmer a hope
Yet most get brain washed into "Christianity critics"
You wake up sunday morning
Put on your best outfit to listen to a "caped crusader"
The chosen one
The high and mighty to force feed you shit and expect you to pay for it
Where does your money go to?
My guess would be a liquor store followed by a trip to Cringe City
Testicular mutilation and shameful seduction fuel that man you trust every sunday morning to spread the good word
With his dick stapled shut and his ass hole filled with spiked marbles
He gives you words to live by
Want to meet up with him?
He can tell you how wrong your life is
He can tall you that hell is waiting for you just five minutes before he goes to pay to be sexually mutilated
What happened
What the fuck went wrong?
Did father MacGee touch you and teach you the art of praying on your knees?
The world may never know
All i know is that thinking for yourself will get you further in life than living by the hypocritical laws of religion
As far as you go preacher man,
I hope you enjoy your sadomasochistic ways
I hope the gerbal in your anus brings you joy and the hypodermic needles in your skin doesnt leave a mark... Dont forget the show must go on
Rain or shine...they need your blasphemy

7-10-17 aquatic acquaintances

You have a new friend
Hand in hand
You leap
Splashing and laughing
You are beautiful
Your mom is worried sick
With every time you hold your breath
Its understandable
Because you are her life
She will worry about you until she gone from this world
Yet you will always feel her worry even when she isnt with you
You should see her face
She is glowing tonight
She is absolutely beautiful underneath these stars
Her smile shares a bright light to fill even the darkest voids
She knows everything about you
She will guide you in life
Pay attention
She will give you the knowledge you need
I can only hope you grow up to be like her
You will do amazing things
I really cant wait to watch you grow up
And be in your life forever
I will show you this someday and tell you about these nights that i will never forget

Strange

We time traveled
Destination unknown
Laughter and love fuled this journey
There was no high point on this trip
No main attraction
Why
Because the whole time i was with you it was pure bliss
I could have never asked for anything more
There was one low point
I had to say goodnight
I had to leave you
Its always the worst part
I guess because I know what you are going through
See me and you are so alike its ridiculous
We are fuled by passion
Love
Creativity
When those around us start ridiculing our every move it makes it hard to survive
Trust me i know
When the ones around you attempt to change you or strip your fuel away it becomes unbearable
The self worth becomes obsolete
The pain over takes the mind and causes rash decisions
The whole trip i watched you glow
The fireworks in your beautiful eyes were bigger than the 4th of july
When it came time to go home
I watched a change
A change that i know all too well
The smiles went away
The laughter stopped
The fireworks in your eyes became dimmer and dimmer as we arrived
The magic from the day had been tucked away for fear it would escape
I stayed with you as long as i could
Honestly i wish i didnt have to leave you
I wish i could just hold you close forever
Protect you from the ones that try to unravel your happiness
Ever felt like things are out of your control?
Its hard
Its hard for me not to give up it all so you can have it all
It kills me because on top of
jaw infections
Being sick
Being a mom
And so much more
You have to come home to this
The shit that makes life almost unbearable
You know how hard it is to keep my composure?
Keep my mouth shut
Be a nurturerer
Rather than A protector
How hard it is to say good bye on nights like these
I though about just crashing on a bench around your complex just to make sure i was there for you
To protect you from the narrow minded fool that co habitates with you
To tell you that everything will be fine as i run my fingers through your hair. 
What a way to end the most beautiful day ever
But i will be here for you
Thick and thin
Hell or high waters
I will be here
I truly love you and will be here until the end if time.

Ending

When you love someone deeply
You do anything in your power to see them smile
To make sure they dont feel the same hurt you have felt
You do everything in your power to pick them up
To protect them and their loved ones
See its really hard to explain how the sense of helplessness makes you feel when you cant give your everything to them
Just to see them succeed
Just to see them happy
To make sure they feel loved
Just know that at any moment
I would give up everything i have
I would give myself up to make sure you never go without
I will protect you as much as i can until i have nothing left
See, I love you
When you love someone you do what it takes
I will never give up on you
If you crash...I crash with you
Til the end...
I will Love you and tell you everything will be okay

Bridges break

Beast, you amuse me
You feel your words are lassos that will caputre me and bring me back into your stranglehold
WRONG
Your words amuse me
They are funnier than an Archies comic strip out of the sunday paper
See, i feel that i am a pretty intelligent person
Do i have proper grammer...NO
Do I spell things correctly...Fuck No
Can i withold a intellectual conversation without hesitation...Absolutely
See i see through your words like a one way mirror
You dont know that i can smell the bullshit spewing out of your mouth
Its stronger than any bullshit i have ever smelled before.
I tried for 6 years to change
To bite the bullet and be a normal memer of society that was trapped in a maggot infested relationship
I tried to be the "Big Man"
To tackle everything just to make things tolerable
You may say im crazy
Your Probably right
If crazy is sticking around in a situation that mafe you hate life to the point you want to blow your mug all over the fucking wall then yeah im crazy
If crazy is getting called a cheater on the regular but, know that i havent cheated and putting up with it..,then yeah im crazy
If attempting to make things work even though i got told to "get the fuck out" on a bi weekly basis and then you getting mad when i start to pack is crazy then yep thats me
See for six years i took your bullshit
Your every fuckin sucker punch you could throw at me...i blew it off
Did i retaliate..yeah sometimes
Verbal self defense i like to think
See there comes a point when a bridge begins to give way due to the weight of the world
My bridge gave way
I played your game
Being as helpful, nice and loving as i could
I broke
I made moves
I dropped the weight
Now it is time to reconstruct my bridge
You arent allowed on my bridge anymore
The weight is too much for structure to handle
The nights of feeling no selfworth are over
Dead and gone
The days of questioning my every move are finished
I dont want you
You broke my bridge and on the way down you made sure to rip it to shreds
But guess what
I can build it back
Stronger
Its a private bridge
And you are on the do not cross list

Strings

I hate that i think about you constantly
I hate that you are my happiness
I hate that i only feel comfort when i hear or see you
I hate that i cant be around you all of the time
But all of this hate for the thing i love
Strange how this works i guess
I find myself struggling to not text you
Struggling to know you have your own life and i am just a small part of it
Guess ill be here when you want to talk or come around
Waiting like a confused old do waiting by the do for someone to come in and show it love
I really fear you will out grow me
It will tear me apart
But here i go
Thinking about shit i can not control
Wondering if you think of me
Or am i just a teddy bear that sits in to corner until you need me
Cmon reach over
Need me
Pull that string in my spine
Bring me to life

Barnicle man

Im floating above the earth
Above all of the soaking wet clouds unleashing its heavy waters upon the groud below then
I dip my feet in those never ending waterfalls
They cool me off
Relax me
I finally feel after soo many years
The gaping wounds on my body from the past few years have finally begun to heal
So this is what happiness feels like?
This is what I never felt I would feel.
Its strange wanting to wake up in the morning
So many years confined to a room of wall to wall misery

Constantly swimming deeper and deeper into the depths of depressions dark oceans
The oxygen tanks given out yet i continued swimming
Deeper and deeper
For a moment I was weightless as the last breat excaped my body
My remains drifted ashore eventually
Covered in memories of that dark sea
I was gone
You found me
You cleaned me off
You refused to beleive i was gone
You knew what i needed to survive
Not much was needed to bring this lifeless body back to life and you had it
You didnt think twice When you reached into your soul
Selflessly pulling a piece from your inner workings
You then reached into my decating body
Searching around for that empy spot
Where your piece would fit
Filling the void that had grown so dark
I was back to life
You brought me back
To know what true joy and love really felt like
To share your wild journey through life
You dont ask for anything in return
Yet i give you it all
This is what joy and happiness feels like
Its been a long time

Icould get used to this...

That night...

The moon reflected off the water
There was no need for lights
Your presence alone is enough to keep the dark away
The innocence of a childs laughter filled the ears of everyone lucky enough to be around that beautiful night
I was lucky enough to be there
I seen it first hand
You two are like batman and robin
Together you two were able to stop time and make me realize how lucky I really was to be alive
How the little things in life are what really matter
The conversations by a moon lit pool
The endless ammounts of cannonballs and pepermint candies
Eating pizza under the stars
Getting creeped out by the prostitute five doors down
Da da dun dun dunn dunn Batman
The laughter
The feeling that I am surrounded by the ones who love me
Hard to explain
But nights like this dont have to be explained
I hope it happens again
I hope you guys never out grow me
You two are perfect
You are my best friends
I would give up everything for you guys
To be around you both forever
The one bad thing about that night was saying Goodbye
But you can both keep me forever
Twenty minutes...pretty long huh

Bus thoughts 6.23.17

The light shined off your skin like a flame reflecting off a dirty mirror.  The smell of cigarettes fill the air when you step in the room.  What brings you here? The burning passion to explore everything? The need to travel to see the city or are you just passing through like a poorly trained gypsy.  The air is stagnant today, the smell of your ashes has left, the rancid stench of despair has crept in.  Floating in this room like a forgotten spirit looking for its final resting place.  A gentle cool breeze sneaks in briefly and kisses me.  Cooling my skin on this blistering hot summer day.  Its hotter than satans nut sack today... Autumn needs to come bring its gifts soon.  The smell of the air in the fall brings me back to life.  It sparks something in me.  At this point the only spark in me is the hot glow of the suns hateful rays shinning through my magnifying glass heart.  It will catch fire eventually but, not as quick as the sweet autum air lights my soul.  I guess as lo,g as there is an ember in my chest i will be okay.  I wont ask for too much,  just dont burn out on me....

Fuck it do what makes you feel good

I like this thing.  The whole blogging thing.  Even though i doubt anyone reads this steaming pile of elephant shit i call writing.  If no one ever reads this shit i am okay with that.  See unlike social media, i can let it all hang out.  I dont have to watch what i say, or worry about being "politically correct", i can just go with the flow.  If i want to say Fuck and Whore and TuscanMandick then guess what.  I fuckin can.  See i feel like if people let out how they truly think on social media the get judged.  Unfortunately people get judged for everything these days.  Not too many people have open minds and pollite comments in their arsenals any more.  Its all a dick swinging contest.  Not on here it isn't.  I dont have to worry how my punctuation is (but i do try).  I originally wanted to start a hard,copy if all this but honestly i want to tote a book around 24/7 and if i used a voice recorder...well if i said out lound what i write down i may have to run for cover haha.  Its already bad enough i snap pictures of people on the bus..what!!  Dont judge me.. Its no different than snapping a Polaroid of a creature in the wild...  Man that makes me sound bad... But its true there are so many different kinds of people,out there.  Walks of life, its interesting. So back to my pile of dog shit on the table...my writing.  See,i can write about all these people or how i feel in this "blog" and not have to worry about being judged.  Only people i let into this world are the ones like me.  The ones that see the beauty in this asinine world.  The ones that are open minded, who know how i tick.  These are the people who i let in... Other than that, if you stumble across all this puke on paper and read it...i hope you dont feel like you wasted your precious time.  You can write in your blog about how devastatingly unbearable it was to read suck a putrid pile of garbage...or you can write good things.  Its up to you...fuck it do what makes you feel good!

Shit cake

Do you hate your job that much?
Bad enough that talking to scum like me is just the icing on the dog shit cake you ate this morning.
I just want to know where to catch the number 9
Thats all
One simple question
One second out of your shitty bus driving existence
I will give you the benefit of the doubt
Maybe you woke up and foud out your dick doesnt work
Maybe you came into work today to find six homeless people on your bus having a flea infested orgy
Or maybe your like this every day of your shitty human existance
Do you go home and beat your wife like a piece cheap piece of meat from the value section at the pighly wiggly
Do you go to a shitty apartment in the hood that you and the infestation of cockroaches call home
Hopefully you don't
But who fucking knows
All i know is what i see
Your a pissed off old man
Mad at the cards you got delt
Must suck to wake up and hate fucking life

Destination unknown

I feel lost
Not lost in the way of i hate life, because quite honestly i love life right now.  Lost as in where do i go next.  I have always been a grinder, busting my ass for the man on a daily basis for what they call a paycheck.  I have been provided with a strange opportunity.  Now before i go into this, i want to say that i dont think of myself as any different than any other fuck on the streets.  So i have a bad fucking hip... I got the bull shit low budget pimp walk to prove it.  Its not my pride and joy or my free ride or whatever the fuck...a crutch as you would say.  So since i was four years old i have been dealing with this bullshit.  Its normal to me.  What i call normal would have most of you bastards on your knees praying to whatever just to end it.  But its normal to me.  Yeah i got days where its rough, i usually kick it into overdrive at that point.  I mean fuck it why not.  They give me a little bit of "time" left on this old bitch but i think i can stretch it a little more...prove em' wrong.  So once i am out of time on this one theennn....ill get a new one. It will last me an estimated 5 years...  Then ill get another new one...that will buy me another roughly 5 years.  So what does thah put me at?  Say i get a good solid 2 years out of the one i have...39!  So by fuckin 39 years old give or take a year...Ill be in a fuckin wheel chair.  The fuck i will... Ill stretch it as far as i can i guess... But what do i do? What do i do with my time.  What do i do about my passion to live... To want to do great things, To see places, To just want to grab life as hard as i can and never stop.  How do i figure this out?  Where go from here.  I have people in my life now that i wont give up..and some i would pay to forget... But what do i do with my life.  I am a day to day kind of guy usually...but i still need a endgame...  Something to shoot for.  I have a bunch of mini goals...but how to i find the one one.  How do i find the thing i want to fuckin do so that i can be remembered, live a decent life, enjoy it and not dread waking up.  Dont get me wrong...trust me i wake up happy as a fat kid and wonkas fuckin chocolate factory...  Hiw do,i find that one thing and run with it.  was i meant to do that? Or was i meant to just do a shit load of stuf.  I dont know, but this shit makes my brain hurt just thinking about it all... What do i do.... A wise and beautiful woman once said... "Fuck it, I'll figure it out"  until then.. Ill keep trucking forward as hard and as fast as i can...

Destination...who the fuck knows...

Adventure time

We travel
Adventures
No true destination
There is no where i would rather be
We speak of stories
But no words exchaned
Same wavelength
In this circus we call life

Moth

We played tag
You won mst of the time
Your a fast little devil
I tried to catch you
Save you forever
For a few minutes i loved you
You teased me
You would land all over me
With the change in the wind
It drove you crazy
I was all that mattered in those few moments
Your still around
You pop out to tease me
Eventually coming back to play
The light drives you
Am i your security
Or am I the enemy you keep close
Hopefully you will come play again
Moth....

Dead sea stories into the human body

It creeps in, slowly drowning me with its insatiable current.  I try to fight it, swimming for dear life in this quicksand.   I just need a hand to pull me up, drag my body ashore.  Let me lay there with your company, grasping my hand as if my life depended on that very moment.  I live for this moment, feeling your cold hand on mine.  Your skin feels like death, the death of all things wrong.  I open my eyes,  your eyes take what breath I do have away.  Not in a sense of burning passion, but in a way like no other.  They not only heal my shell and keep me alive, they wake up the creatures inside me.  These creatures are like no other.  The creature's make me climb walls, they drive me.  They jump back into motion with your eyes piercing my soul.  They begin creating, they start an army.  These creatures are unlike any other.  These deformed specimen come together as a unit to put this ship back in line.  They do not speak,  i know nothing of what this warship will do next.  They know whats best for me.  They wont steer me in the wrong path.  These creatures keep going and going.  See what you have done, you created something beautiful.  The gears inside are finally working loose and back to normal working order.  You are the supervisor, the CEO of this operation.  These creatures wont stop until you stop.  They will continue to be driven by your eyes and kicked into overdrive with every trip to your soul.  You fuel my crew, a ship is only as good as its crew.  A crew is only as good as what fuels them.  Only the best for my crew... you are exactly what they needed.

Scaphism

So I have been working on a few things.  I was recently asked by an old friend from the music scene here in VA Beach to draw a album cover for his old/new band.  Now the name may throw most for a loop but any true music lover or musician knows not to judge a book by its cover.  The band is called "sprayfart"  funny right?   So reason i say old/new is because back in the day his old band "Loss of reason" would come on stage and say "what the fucks up everyone one!  We're SprayFart and we're all gay" haha so this band has truly been around the block without leaving the garage.  So these dude are writing a concept album.  I know qhat your thinking "only band that writes good concept albums is RUSH mann" ...Bullshit!  So i have heard the plan for this album and some recordings.  Put it thi way...dont sleep on it!  These guys are writing a whole album based on ancient torture techniques from around the world and vary from different religious beliefs.  So when he contacted me he hit me with these ideas I was really intrigued.  So I was informed that the name of the album would be called "scaphism"   So after some research i learned that Scaphism means to scoop out.  When i say scoop out. Im not talking chips and dip.  The Persians used to tie their victim to a boat, force feed them milk and honey.  They would then push the boat into the middle of a stagnant pond, allowing the body to bake in the sun.  While the body is continually baking in the sun the body becomes infested with wildlife eating away at the living. Sounds pretty cool to me....

Wash it away

I hope it rains soon.  The rain tells a story, a story of life.  The rain draws me closer to myself.  The smell alone captivates me.  I am under your spell.  Rain on me, let me feel your wrath.  Flood the streets... I wont be mad.  Rain for days, you inspire me.  The rain gives us reasons to create, to think.  You give us reasons to play in our dreams.  When I was a kid my mother always sent me outside when it was raining.  She knew its special powers.  She would hand me a bar of soap and I would bathe in its wonders.  Simpler times I guess...

Tell me a story

You are my favorite book
The book i carry with me always
The book i have read 1000 times
But I always find something new
You are the book that i will hold forever
There have been other books
But none like yours
I will never get bored of you
I will never sit you down
I will never walk away again
Your book is my map to life
I sat it down once and was lost
Feeling of no return
I found you
You keep me going
Your pages are rough
There are grammatical errors
Just with any book
But you are my book
I cant wait for the next chapter
I cant wait to find more hidden meanings
I cant wait to read you again
Who needs a library of books
When you have the one book that matters
I will never put this book down